Autumn

Autumn always seems to make so many depressed. Marking the end of the summer and the descent into the dark and cold of winter and yet Autumn is the one time of year I genuinely feel happy.

Shocked as most people are that I am capable of being happy, it happens none-the-less. Autumn isn't too hot or cold, the days are a sensible length and it rains, the trees are colourful and beautiful. The smell of burning is in the air and piles of leaves to jump in or throw at passersby. What is there to not love about the season?

Yes there is the problem of children running around damaging property when you refuse to give them sugar rushes and hiding behind Fawkesian masks so that the police can't identify them when they manage to escape arrest.

Still I have always felt that the Guy on a bonfire could always do with looking more life like...

Fish

What is it about fish? I don't mean for eating, I mean the ones that you keep in a tank or a pond.

I walked into a doctor's surgery the other day to see half of it taken up by a gigantic tank that made it impossible to see the reception desk (a blessing considering the receptionist). Around this tank were gathered all the waiting patients who were just staring gormlessly at the brightly coloured creatures as they swam frantically between the long wavy plants and hid under plant pots.

This mystery was further deepened when I may have had to sort of break into Fred's apartment for the fifth time this month, only to find his dining room had been replaced by an aquarium. This proved very problematic for me as I got so lost in watching the stupid fish that I lost track of time, heard Fred opening his door having finished work and had to climb out of the bathroom window so he didn't catch me. I spent six hours out on the ledge beneath that window waiting for him to fall asleep so I could go home!

So what is it about them that is so mesmerizing? I just don't understand this power they seem to hold over humanity. If any form of crime boss had caught on to their hypnotic powers then global domination wouldn't be far off. In this vein I am having a bookcase in my office replaced with a fish tank to see if I can't convince some of the weaker minded souls that pass through my door to part with more of their money. If I am successful then I am pretty sure I know what happened to all the Jedi...

Hunting a Priest Killer Day 3

Why is it that though a place may seem surrounded, especially when there are a large number of cars that are parked in almost perfect cylindrical circles around it, that people never cover the back door?

Well, whatever the reason, it meant that I could slip out and avoid detection by legions of constables that seem intent on making a name for themselves by arresting me. I take it as a testament to good sense within the police that those sent to surround and watch me were not of any rank. It's nice to see that they are growing in wisdom, well save for the issuing of the arrest warrant and still employing Fred...

I was now on my way to try and discover what, if any, involvement that Sykes had with Patrick's murder. I wasn't in the greatest of moods to be running around chasing wild geese at this stage but so far neither Mitch nor Anthony had any reason to lie to me, other than the fact that they didn't like Sykes.

The idea of gang territory expansion is always a dangerous one. Either it involves taking the territory from another gang, which leads to months of violence and retaliation or in some cases years of bloodshed with people getting caught in the middle. This is not very good for business as people become too scared of going outside to need my services. The other, and slightly more terrifying prospect is that the gang would expand into territory that no gang currently holds, that is free and moderately law abiding areas of the city.

The reason this was slightly more terrifying is that the free area of the city next to the Snake Devil's territory just happens to be where I live. In taking over free areas of the city there tends to be a lot more violence from and directed towards civilians and as stupid and annoying as people are, I wasn't about to let those who lived near me suffer under that.

I decided that in order to find Sykes, having him come to me would make my life easier. This is surprisingly difficult to do as most gang bosses don't reply to RSVPs. I couldn't risk walking into his territory either as I would most likely be shot on sight, so my first course of action was to find the nearest bar and have myself a very long drink.

Isn't it wonderful when you happen to find some of the top generals of a Snake Devil gang boss playing poker in the back room of a bar that you can hold for ransom?

Technology

There are days when I wake up and wonder if the world hasn't gone completely technology crazy. I mean medical advancements are all very helpful, I wouldn't still be alive if it hadn't been for some of them and neither would Fred...the jury is still out on whether that is a good thing or not .

Indoor plumbing and refrigeration were excellent revolutions in the home and life without them would certainly be worse. But then you have to consider things like the internet...

Now as a tool for searching it has replaced things like encyclopedias...in fact I am pretty certain that any one under the age of fifteen would stare blankly at me for suggesting that you go to a book to find out information. This I think is a huge shame. Also autocorrect and spellcheck are destroying the English language.

None of this is all that serious when you consider child pornography and the criminal uses such as fraud and cyber theft. Granted those are much bigger problems, I do my best to shoot such lowlife pond scum whenever I can but that tends to get me thrown in prison.

The thing is, what bugs me most about technology - aside from people who own iPhones and can't talk about anything else - is the fact that we are becoming so reliant on it that if it were to suffer a massive failure due to any number of causes (see Hollywood's extensive range of disaster and action movies for scenarios) then my typewriter and I would be some of the only things that could survive under martial law or in a post-apocalyptic landscape...at least then I wouldn't have to listen to any one drivelling on about irate avians.

On seconds thoughts...

Birthdays

I have never understood the fuss over birthdays. To celebrate the passage of time that brings ravages to the reflexes, skin and makes you, eventually, want to be in bed for 6pm.


The appeal of presents is also lost on me as other than ammunition, gun oil and possibly a very nice butterfly knife, all of which I can buy myself, so why would I need presents?


Parties also appear to be very overrated - people you can barely tolerate all eating and drinking things you have provided for them, having pointless small talk over the latest hair styles and scandals within your social circle, with a few people who always drink too much and end up throwing up in places you don't find for weeks and then can never get rid of the smell. 


None of this holds any joy for me. My birthday always passes unmarked and this I always rejoice in. Well it is mostly unmarked as somehow Fred managed to find out when it was so I always get a card and some form of gift. I will admit that the cigarette lighter, bottles of Macallan and the rifle that is on display in my office were all excellent gifts, but the lingerie was sent straight back to him.


So when Fred sent me an invitation to his birthday party, I was more than a bit dubious about going along, but being told that Mayor Major Tyler would be in attendance I couldn't resist the opportunity to turn up and upset him within the confines of polite society.


Turning up at the party in a dress that Fred had bought for me was definitely not such a good idea as it gave him completely the wrong idea about why I was there, but on the other hand I didn't have any clothes that were suitable other than those which Fred had bought me. When he wasn't throwing me around the dance floor, he seemed to be miserable. Most of the people who were there were self-important and made snide remarks about his choice of venue and the wine being served...they may have ended up with the claret down their fronts, nothing at all to do with me tripping the waiter...


Before the end of the evening I genuinely felt sorry for Fred, that these were the people he had to spend time with day in and out. Now I may find Fred the most annoying person on the planet but he is one of the few genuine and decent people out there and the fact that he has to put up with these people made me want to do something about it...


Now after I had significantly wound the Mayor up enough with threats of leveling city blocks if he didn't offer any assistance in my investigation into Patrick's murder with a slight relaxation on how much of the law applies to me, I decided to have a little fun with some of Fred's more narcissistic guests.


Now sadly, I hadn't been able to bring any of my guns with me to the party, mostly due to the fact that this dress was so tight fitting I am still not sure how I got my body into it, let alone anything else. So in light of this I had to be slightly more creative in finding ways to humble the high and mighty.


After the claret incident, there were a few less people to be concerned over, mainly as a slight smattering of red droplets seems to be enough to make people head home nowadays, shame it wasn't blood really... There was a temptation to flirt outrageously with some of the less subtle men who though clearly with women at the party, refused to keep their eyes from my cleavage. It was mostly put out of my mind because I really wasn't in the mood for dealing with drooling morons or having to put up with Fred moaning about it later.


I did have some fun pick-pocketing several people and swapping their wallets with people on the other side of the party. Pointing out, in a very loud voice to Fred, the people that were wearing fake designer clothes and watches and exactly which women were wearing zirconias instead of diamonds. Ah the joy of cold stares and scandal and being right all at the same time.


As much fun as all the chaos was, and believe me it really was, it didn't seem to make Fred all that happier, yes it was entertaining for him and he did seem to enjoy it, but behind it all was a very sad look in his eyes. So I decided to do something I will never, I repeat, never be doing again.


I took him out to dinner.


And yes when he kissed my hand as he dropped me home, I didn't find him all that annoying.

Cricket

A civilized sport, a day out for many across nations where picnics can be consumed whilst enjoying the sound of balls being batted about and wickets being taken.


Well at least it was!


What was a wholesome pinnacle of sport for the class system has been debased by those who are frankly no better than football hooligans. Yobos lie half naked gulping down pint after pint of overpriced larger and spraying half eaten burger remains over those unsuspected few sat around them. Air horns blare out from stands that Jerusalem once issued forth from. 


Blue hazes hang over stands from the language used and every Tom, Dick and Harry tries to claim membership in the Barmy Army when they come to but one game dressed as some form of supposed children's entertainment and don't know the difference between a wicket and a boundary.


This I know to be true from more than mere conjecture as the irritating Fred Barlow made me accompany him to a match. Now several things annoyed me about the whole occasion 1) My guns were confiscated until the end of the match and at least five people within spitting difference needed a bullet to dissuade them from idiotic activities. 2) Skin tight leather is not comfortable to sit in in 30 degree heat with no shade and no breeze. 3) Not once during the day did Fred buy me an ice cream.


I had always seen cricket as something akin to Wimbledon in the untouchable stakes.  An unshakable pillar, a cornerstone of true culture that would stand the test of time. Sadly it seems that when taking centre court there will be less Pimms, strawberries and cream and more Carling and pork scratchings this year given the fall of cricket.

Hunting a Priest Killer Day 2

So a warrant for my arrest was issued today. It isn't the first time this has happened and it won't be the last...but the reason for such a warrant is completely ridiculous. It's not like I did anything particularly dangerous...for once...and it's not like the general public were being put in unnecessary danger...for once... The reason for the demands for my incarceration came after I locked Frederick Barlow in a cleaner's cupboard.

Fred is claiming obstruction of justice just because I stopped him from arresting someone he thinks is guilty of murder because I needed to talk to them. In all fairness to Fred, the guy in question is probably guilty of several hundred murders. I still think the warrant was an overreaction.

I went to speak with Mitch, an informant in the gang underworld from the Hornet's Nest gang, who told me where to find Anthony. Now the reason I was seeking Anthony was that if anyone had authorised a hit on Patrick, he would know about it. That would then narrow down my search field. If a hit hadn't been organised then I was looking more at a personal vendetta or a points scoring exercise. Either way I was hoping the hit had been called for.

Anthony proved a difficult man to find. I looked in every darkened doorway, every dumpster, every seedy pool hall, bar and public house and couldn't find him anywhere. I decided to go and sit in one of the parks for a while as traipsing around the more...glamorous sights of the city had left me in need of fresh air and a shower. I sat down on a bench and low and behold opposite me was Anthony feeding the ducks...criminal indulgence really does take on all forms...

After a few minutes of harmless small talk in the park he asked to move to a more secluded location to talk about Patrick, this is when Fred had gotten involved. He walked casually over, sat down next to us and in a low voice told Anthony he was under arrest. Now this made me annoyed for three reasons. 1) It's rude to interrupt people when they are talking, 2) Arresting Anthony took away the only shred of a lead that I had and 3) Anthony ran, making Fred chase him and in turn making ME run...RUN!

Fred managed to get himself caught in the revolving door which gave me a chance to catch up to him, yell at him and throw him in the cleaner's cupboard near to the revolving door. So obviously this means that I should be arrested...fortunately I did get Anthony to tell me that Sykes, leader of the Snake Devils had just risen in power after completing a hit that meant he could start expanding their territory. This was a promising start...well as long as I could avoid Fred and not get arrested...considering the number of squad cars parked around my building right now, that doesn't seem like something I can avoid for too long.