A day of time wasters

There are days in a private investigators life that really don't seem to get you anywhere. I'm sure it is the same in any profession but when you don't have savings, regular and stable employment or a ridiculously large inheritance to live off it can be a little more than frustrating when you are faced with a day of dealing with time wasters.

Having people constantly phone you and ask if you are offering Black Friday discounts is one thing, but to have people phoning and asking you to work for them and then not paying their bills and refusing any form of contact even to the extent of pretending you don't exist when you are stood a few inches in front of them.

Of course as annoying as that is, it is again but a passing frustration compared to having people coming through your door, asking for quotes for services, shaking their head and sucking air through their teeth whatever number you say and then try and negotiate a deal with you that invariably they then turn around and say "on second thoughts, I don't think I'll bother."

It really is something that more dead bodies aren't found in my office.

When you work for yourself it is always difficult making ends meet (what with people failing to pay their bills on time if they do at all) but when you have people coming through your door and wasting time, it really gets on your last nerve.

Fred tells me that I should be more patient as having a reputation for bad customer service is not a way to run a business. If I was a shop owner than I might agree but in a private investigator people don't want a happy, go lucky, sunny disposition. They want someone who looks like they can survive in the underworld and get them what they need - or at least everyone who seems to bother me wants that.

Harry on the other hand thinks that I should try and branch out into other areas, diversifying my business. I am not entirely convinced that offering to blackmail people to go to birthday parties or family events would be any more lucrative than the time wasters that I have to deal with no. I am also not sure that offering people tours of the crime hotspots of the city will be as popular as say studio backlot tours or maps to the stars homes.

Though I might not get shot at much and reducing my medical bills would be a very big plus...then again I wouldn't get to shoot as many people and where would the fun in that be?

Danger Danger Black Friday

There are many days of the year I dislike – Valentine’s Day, any day dedicated to something trivial like talking like a pirate, dress like a carrot, learn to speak Romulan, open your curtains whilst upside down, PI day (yes I know I have ranted about it before but it annoys me, okay!)  - but there is one day of the year which makes me want rip the phone out of the wall, shoot all television screens, delete the internet and barricade all shops’ doors closed.

Yes, I hate Black Friday.

I have no problem with people going out in hordes to get huge discounts on luxury items – what people choose to spend their time and money doing is their business. I don’t do shopping at the best of times except for visiting the corner store for food and the off license for my whiskey, tequila and other spirits so Black Friday doesn’t really affect my shopping habits.

Five reasons that I hate Black Friday:

1. People spend a week phoning and asking whether I am offering discounts on my services over the Black Friday Weekend
2. Harry turns up at my door every single year with a catalogue in hand trying to convince me that I need a plasma screen TV, surround system and media centre.
3. When I am trying to follow people, the crowds, screaming, random outbreaks of violence and police presence make it very difficult for me to do my job.
4. Fred buys lots of things and then tries to give me lots of useless gifts.
5. My favourite weapons and ammunition specialist shops never seem to hold Black Friday sales.

The number of phone calls I have had this year alone have been enough for me to unplug my phone from the wall. Then when people started arriving at my office and demanding Black Friday discounts I had to chase them out of my office and even had to throw my phone out of the window after them.

When Harry turned up had I had to threaten to shoot him five times and shoot the catalogue out of his hand to make him leave.

Fred then turned up with only five gifts instead of the usual fifty. This year he had bought me a kettle to replace the one that Ryan borrowed and sold for drug money, a microwave to replace the one that exploded, a new phone to replace the one that was now lying down on the street in several hundred thousand pieces, an engraved cigarette case and a sofa bed.

So this year there was only one useless gift that Fred brought with him. When I asked him why the sofa bed, he said he was sick of sleeping on the broken lump of wood and padding that I called a sofa. I told him that he had his own bed in his own home that he could go home to quite easily but for some reason the sofa bed still made its way into my home and my old sofa ended up sharing the street with my phone.

Sometimes I think that Fred is far more manipulative than anyone gives him credit for.