Fred and Me

Relationships are tricky.

It's something I've never really understood, how people can fall in and out of love every day of the week and still want more of it all.

As far as I can see, all that happens with relationships is that people get hurt from misunderstandings, miscommunications and an unwillingness to simply let the other party be. Every time I have started seeing someone, from Doctor Mark Lees to other less notable men, the moment that you have been seeing them for more than a few weeks, they start trying to change things about you.

From the smallest things like trying to make you eat something different for breakfast to much bigger things, like changing your hair, dress sense and even the time you spend with your friends.

Okay in fairness to the last point, the people that I would consider my friends are not the kind of people that most respectable men would want to associate with and then of course there is Fred, it being painfully obvious how Fred feels about me does have a habit of making any lover feel somewhat threatened and insecure.

But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't spend any time with him.

There are many, much better reasons that I shouldn't spend time with Fred and yet I still do, so why on earth would a man that is unlikely to stick around for more than 3 months have any say in who I do and do not see?

Harry is constantly telling me that relationships are all about compromise, which is why he doesn't stay in them more than one night, but what these men keep asking for isn't compromise - it's a complete change to what they want.

Surprisingly when these relationships end, the reason that is always given is Fred. Fred, who always has a girlfriend whenever I am dating someone, Fred the lurking threat.

It doesn't seem to occur to any of these men that if I wanted to be with Fred, then I would be. It's not like we haven't had plenty of opportunities to be together and it's not like Fred hasn't pushed and tried at every one of those opportunities to get us together.

The thing is with Fred, whenever I look at Fred I see everything I have lost, I see that one horrific night when I first met Kevin Metis and I see a future trapped. Trapped in a house in the suburbs, trapped in triviality because Fred needs me to be safe. Safe. Safe from these streets I have walked and survived on all my life, safe from the underworld as much as I can be.

But the problem with that is, it doesn't matter where I am, I won't be safe. Being safe is just an illusion. Bad things happen to people every day in this broken world. I wouldn't be shot at every day and twice on Sunday, I will give him that, but that doesn't mean that I would be safer - especially with the way people in suburbia drive.

Fred is the very best man I know, probably ever will know. He's attractive, some would even go as far as to say handsome, and no matter what, he is always there - always. And I suppose if I really understood what it was that made people fall in love, what it was to actually be in love and want to be in love; in a perfect world then I guess I would choose Fred.

But the world isn't perfect and I know there are far too many women out there who could make him far happier than I ever could. Of course me knowing that is one thing, trying to convince Fred of that is quite another.

Park

All the people, so many people, they all go hand in hand, hand in hand through their parklife. Blur definitely had it right with their analysis of the park.

I used to spend lots of time in the park, especially after Louise and Arthur were murdered. It gave me somewhere quiet to think that was busy and public and I could be lost in a sea of faces without having to interact with anyone. It also made it harder for Fred to find me.

To begin with he was just another cop to me, another busy body, another person that hadn't done anything to help find out why my mother died and then had stood idly by whilst my sister and father had been taken from me. He seemed to have fixation on trying to save from, well the same fate. He'd already been successful in keeping me alive and sending Kevin Metis to prison, but he just couldn't seem to leave me alone.

I told Harry Lee that Fred was stalking me and Harry told me that if I really thought that then I should go and talk to Ryan, Fred's brother. I asked why and Harry had merely shrugged and said "you'll see". So I went to find Ryan and when I did I understood what Fred was doing. Ryan was younger than me, about ten years old and already falling in with the wrong crowd at school, trying to cope with the death of his parents three years before.

Fred hadn't been able to save his parents, couldn't save his brother from himself and in me he saw someone who could be saved and needed to be protected if he was ever going to believe that life had some good in it. That people could be saved from the bad guys and that justice had some hope of surviving.

It's an odd thing to think now, looking back that Fred was as much in need of our friendship as I was. Of course at no point have I ever admitted to needing Fred - or Harry for that matter. You might think that every friendship would occasionally need such an affirmation for the sake of everyone's sanity; but so far none of us have found that we show each other how much we care by being there. By fighting alongside one another, by always being there to make sure the others don't get kill and rescuing each other when we get kidnapped.

This seems to be verging on being all mushy and close to a chick flick moment...so Fred and Harry are both morons who I'm as likely to shoot as sit down to coffee with.

There I feel much better for that.

Looking for the perfect present for Raven Siren fans? Look no further!  The Nicolette Mace books are now available in digital and paperback from Barnes and Noble.