Weather

What is it about the weather that people find so terribly suitable to fill awkward silences or create meaningless small talk from?

Is it that the rate of precipitation of any given day has the ability to thrill even those of a low boredom threshold? Is it that the humidity is of great concern due to the effect it can have on the hair styles of individuals? Is it that atmospheric pressure is key in understanding pressure systems? Is it that it is so changeable and unpredictable in this country that there is something fascinating about it? Or is it that people just like to have something generic to complain about that they think most people will agree with them about?

I recently may have planted bugs on a certain Police Sergeant's and though some of the information has proved very useful, the topic of conversation that routinely comes up is weather. Out of four hours of listening to the recordings of the bugs, one hour was about girls that the police force seems to be enamoured with, half an hour was talk about classified cases, twenty minutes were insults being thrown back and forth between Harry and Fred, ten minutes was Fred complaining about me (I don't understand what he could possibly have to complain about personally) and two hours of the conversations were about the weather.

Complaints about how it was too hot, then too cold, too sunny, too cloudy, too windy and too calm; there was not a moment when there was talk of the weather that they were not moaning about how awful it was.

Personally I have never found the changing of the seasons to be much of an interesting topic. In fact the only difference that it seems to make to me is that I have ice on the inside of my windows or I don't. It's times like these that I am reminded of a poem that my father used to recite to me and my sister and I think that Fred should really listen to...

Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold, Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather, Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not!

Snow

Waking up to a world that has become white overnight has never been overly thrilling for me. It's not because that snow is not fun to play in. In fact, last year when there was a complete white out of the city, the police department invited me to join in their city wide snowball fight. The detectives vs. the sergeants and the constables. Naturally as a private detective, I was assigned to the detectives' side, which meant that I was facing off against Fred. I took endless pleasure in pummeling him with snow for all the times he has had me arrested. Equally he took the opportunity to try and bury me in avalanches for causing him so much trouble over the years.

Most satisfying of all the detectives emerged victorious, earning me bragging rights. What I didn't know at the time was that the inspectors didn't know that the snowball fight had taken place and due to their exclusion from the battle, they banned all future such engagements.

It's not that it's cold. It's cold most of the time in my office, especially when I can't afford to pay the heating bill. It's something I have become very gradually acclimatized to and even developed a mild resistance towards it. It's not that it's wet either.

My biggest problem is that the world being white means that I stand out. The shadows are diminished by the light reflecting powder, and so my favourite places to slink around no longer exist. I dress in black, hence my moniker, but black stands out on white. Trying to hide from people trying to kill me becomes infinitely more difficult when you haven't any camouflage.

If this continues much longer I think I will have to change to being the Ivory Siren...as long as I live that long.

Hunting a Priest Killer Day 4

So having held several of the higher ups of the Snake Devils gang hostage for around seven hours before any of them thought of calling for help was not the highlight of my career. I'm not sure whether they thought I would get bored and start shooting them which would automatically raise the alarm or they just weren't at all threatened by my presence, but either way it's still a really long time to be sat in a dark, dank, back room with rough, violent men.

After seven hours I was debating whether or not just shooting them wouldn't have been a good idea, but then Sykes sent in his advanced team...and when I say advanced team, I mean overenthusiastic young boys. Three rounds in the wall was enough to send them running out the door they had boldly entered through.

Unfortunately they replied with their own gunfire. When I say unfortunately, I mean unfortunately for them...the men I was holding hostage didn't take too kindly to being shot by peons. I decided that getting in the middle of this particular gunfight probably wasn't in my best interest, so I slipped quietly out of the side door.

I would like it if one plan, just one plan, could come off without a hitch or completely falling apart.

However the seven hours I had spent with my hostages had provided me with a lot of very useful information that I should have shared with Fred but with him still wanting to arrest me, I wasn't really in the sharing mood. I need to make myself scarce though as the would be police on their way due to caring citizens not wanting the gun battle in the bar to spill out onto the street.

I needed somewhere that I could sit down and think through everything I had found out. It needed to be somewhere quiet, somewhere that people rarely visited and the last place the police would think of looking for me...

Forms

Why is it that filling out forms is one of the most laborious and tedious tasks that administration ever created? What is it about having to answer a series of questions with confining restrictions placed upon the information that you can provide is just so tortuous to do? 

Was it created as some form of passive aggressive torture by frustrated, mild mannered secretaries? Or was it an April Fools prank that really has gone too far given that forms have persisted for several years now?

Whatever the reason for the existence of forms, from now on I am making Fred fill them all in since he is responsible for me spending a week in jail...I'd only had the locks changed on his apartment...

Autumn

Autumn always seems to make so many depressed. Marking the end of the summer and the descent into the dark and cold of winter and yet Autumn is the one time of year I genuinely feel happy.

Shocked as most people are that I am capable of being happy, it happens none-the-less. Autumn isn't too hot or cold, the days are a sensible length and it rains, the trees are colourful and beautiful. The smell of burning is in the air and piles of leaves to jump in or throw at passersby. What is there to not love about the season?

Yes there is the problem of children running around damaging property when you refuse to give them sugar rushes and hiding behind Fawkesian masks so that the police can't identify them when they manage to escape arrest.

Still I have always felt that the Guy on a bonfire could always do with looking more life like...

Fish

What is it about fish? I don't mean for eating, I mean the ones that you keep in a tank or a pond.

I walked into a doctor's surgery the other day to see half of it taken up by a gigantic tank that made it impossible to see the reception desk (a blessing considering the receptionist). Around this tank were gathered all the waiting patients who were just staring gormlessly at the brightly coloured creatures as they swam frantically between the long wavy plants and hid under plant pots.

This mystery was further deepened when I may have had to sort of break into Fred's apartment for the fifth time this month, only to find his dining room had been replaced by an aquarium. This proved very problematic for me as I got so lost in watching the stupid fish that I lost track of time, heard Fred opening his door having finished work and had to climb out of the bathroom window so he didn't catch me. I spent six hours out on the ledge beneath that window waiting for him to fall asleep so I could go home!

So what is it about them that is so mesmerizing? I just don't understand this power they seem to hold over humanity. If any form of crime boss had caught on to their hypnotic powers then global domination wouldn't be far off. In this vein I am having a bookcase in my office replaced with a fish tank to see if I can't convince some of the weaker minded souls that pass through my door to part with more of their money. If I am successful then I am pretty sure I know what happened to all the Jedi...

Hunting a Priest Killer Day 3

Why is it that though a place may seem surrounded, especially when there are a large number of cars that are parked in almost perfect cylindrical circles around it, that people never cover the back door?

Well, whatever the reason, it meant that I could slip out and avoid detection by legions of constables that seem intent on making a name for themselves by arresting me. I take it as a testament to good sense within the police that those sent to surround and watch me were not of any rank. It's nice to see that they are growing in wisdom, well save for the issuing of the arrest warrant and still employing Fred...

I was now on my way to try and discover what, if any, involvement that Sykes had with Patrick's murder. I wasn't in the greatest of moods to be running around chasing wild geese at this stage but so far neither Mitch nor Anthony had any reason to lie to me, other than the fact that they didn't like Sykes.

The idea of gang territory expansion is always a dangerous one. Either it involves taking the territory from another gang, which leads to months of violence and retaliation or in some cases years of bloodshed with people getting caught in the middle. This is not very good for business as people become too scared of going outside to need my services. The other, and slightly more terrifying prospect is that the gang would expand into territory that no gang currently holds, that is free and moderately law abiding areas of the city.

The reason this was slightly more terrifying is that the free area of the city next to the Snake Devil's territory just happens to be where I live. In taking over free areas of the city there tends to be a lot more violence from and directed towards civilians and as stupid and annoying as people are, I wasn't about to let those who lived near me suffer under that.

I decided that in order to find Sykes, having him come to me would make my life easier. This is surprisingly difficult to do as most gang bosses don't reply to RSVPs. I couldn't risk walking into his territory either as I would most likely be shot on sight, so my first course of action was to find the nearest bar and have myself a very long drink.

Isn't it wonderful when you happen to find some of the top generals of a Snake Devil gang boss playing poker in the back room of a bar that you can hold for ransom?