Saturday, 9 June 2012


I have never understood the fuss over birthdays. To celebrate the passage of time that brings ravages to the reflexes, skin and makes you, eventually, want to be in bed for 6pm.

The appeal of presents is also lost on me as other than ammunition, gun oil and possibly a very nice butterfly knife, all of which I can buy myself, so why would I need presents?

Parties also appear to be very overrated - people you can barely tolerate all eating and drinking things you have provided for them, having pointless small talk over the latest hair styles and scandals within your social circle, with a few people who always drink too much and end up throwing up in places you don't find for weeks and then can never get rid of the smell. 

None of this holds any joy for me. My birthday always passes unmarked and this I always rejoice in. Well it is mostly unmarked as somehow Fred managed to find out when it was so I always get a card and some form of gift. I will admit that the cigarette lighter, bottles of Macallan and the rifle that is on display in my office were all excellent gifts, but the lingerie was sent straight back to him.

So when Fred sent me an invitation to his birthday party, I was more than a bit dubious about going along, but being told that Mayor Major Tyler would be in attendance I couldn't resist the opportunity to turn up and upset him within the confines of polite society.

Turning up at the party in a dress that Fred had bought for me was definitely not such a good idea as it gave him completely the wrong idea about why I was there, but on the other hand I didn't have any clothes that were suitable other than those which Fred had bought me. When he wasn't throwing me around the dance floor, he seemed to be miserable. Most of the people who were there were self-important and made snide remarks about his choice of venue and the wine being served...they may have ended up with the claret down their fronts, nothing at all to do with me tripping the waiter...

Before the end of the evening I genuinely felt sorry for Fred, that these were the people he had to spend time with day in and out. Now I may find Fred the most annoying person on the planet but he is one of the few genuine and decent people out there and the fact that he has to put up with these people made me want to do something about it...

Now after I had significantly wound the Mayor up enough with threats of leveling city blocks if he didn't offer any assistance in my investigation into Patrick's murder with a slight relaxation on how much of the law applies to me, I decided to have a little fun with some of Fred's more narcissistic guests.

Now sadly, I hadn't been able to bring any of my guns with me to the party, mostly due to the fact that this dress was so tight fitting I am still not sure how I got my body into it, let alone anything else. So in light of this I had to be slightly more creative in finding ways to humble the high and mighty.

After the claret incident, there were a few less people to be concerned over, mainly as a slight smattering of red droplets seems to be enough to make people head home nowadays, shame it wasn't blood really... There was a temptation to flirt outrageously with some of the less subtle men who though clearly with women at the party, refused to keep their eyes from my cleavage. It was mostly put out of my mind because I really wasn't in the mood for dealing with drooling morons or having to put up with Fred moaning about it later.

I did have some fun pick-pocketing several people and swapping their wallets with people on the other side of the party. Pointing out, in a very loud voice to Fred, the people that were wearing fake designer clothes and watches and exactly which women were wearing zirconias instead of diamonds. Ah the joy of cold stares and scandal and being right all at the same time.

As much fun as all the chaos was, and believe me it really was, it didn't seem to make Fred all that happier, yes it was entertaining for him and he did seem to enjoy it, but behind it all was a very sad look in his eyes. So I decided to do something I will never, I repeat, never be doing again.

I took him out to dinner.

And yes when he kissed my hand as he dropped me home, I didn't find him all that annoying.