Saturday, 24 January 2015

Fred and Me

Relationships are tricky.

It's something I've never really understood, how people can fall in and out of love every day of the week and still want more of it all.

As far as I can see, all that happens with relationships is that people get hurt from misunderstandings, miscommunications and an unwillingness to simply let the other party be. Every time I have started seeing someone, from Doctor Mark Lees to other less notable men, the moment that you have been seeing them for more than a few weeks, they start trying to change things about you.

From the smallest things like trying to make you eat something different for breakfast to much bigger things, like changing your hair, dress sense and even the time you spend with your friends.

Okay in fairness to the last point, the people that I would consider my friends are not the kind of people that most respectable men would want to associate with and then of course there is Fred, it being painfully obvious how Fred feels about me does have a habit of making any lover feel somewhat threatened and insecure.

But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't spend any time with him.

There are many, much better reasons that I shouldn't spend time with Fred and yet I still do, so why on earth would a man that is unlikely to stick around for more than 3 months have any say in who I do and do not see?

Harry is constantly telling me that relationships are all about compromise, which is why he doesn't stay in them more than one night, but what these men keep asking for isn't compromise - it's a complete change to what they want.

Surprisingly when these relationships end, the reason that is always given is Fred. Fred, who always has a girlfriend whenever I am dating someone, Fred the lurking threat.

It doesn't seem to occur to any of these men that if I wanted to be with Fred, then I would be. It's not like we haven't had plenty of opportunities to be together and it's not like Fred hasn't pushed and tried at every one of those opportunities to get us together.

The thing is with Fred, whenever I look at Fred I see everything I have lost, I see that one horrific night when I first met Kevin Metis and I see a future trapped. Trapped in a house in the suburbs, trapped in triviality because Fred needs me to be safe. Safe. Safe from these streets I have walked and survived on all my life, safe from the underworld as much as I can be.

But the problem with that is, it doesn't matter where I am, I won't be safe. Being safe is just an illusion. Bad things happen to people every day in this broken world. I wouldn't be shot at every day and twice on Sunday, I will give him that, but that doesn't mean that I would be safer - especially with the way people in suburbia drive.

Fred is the very best man I know, probably ever will know. He's attractive, some would even go as far as to say handsome, and no matter what, he is always there - always. And I suppose if I really understood what it was that made people fall in love, what it was to actually be in love and want to be in love; in a perfect world then I guess I would choose Fred.

But the world isn't perfect and I know there are far too many women out there who could make him far happier than I ever could. Of course me knowing that is one thing, trying to convince Fred of that is quite another.

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